i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
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i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
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I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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