The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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