this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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