Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
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Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
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Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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