i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
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you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
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Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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