im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
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I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
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I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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