I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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