So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
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You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
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She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
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