I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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