I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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