my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
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Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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