I CAN MOONWALK!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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