this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
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You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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