im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
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Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
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I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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