So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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