so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
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Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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