and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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