I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
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I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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