All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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