you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
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She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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