Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
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yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
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he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
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