totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize