We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
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I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
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I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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