A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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