and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
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So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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