Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
