I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
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i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
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I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I think my moral compass just broke
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