Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize