I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize