i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
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