So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
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im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
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I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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