Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
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you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
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Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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