My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
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The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
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My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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