i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
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The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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