I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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