Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize