Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
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