I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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