I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize