Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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