I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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