I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
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I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
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I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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