I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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