My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
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I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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