Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
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She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
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Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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