this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
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want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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