: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
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He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
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Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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