The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize