remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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