Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize